it is three.

three in the morning is MY hour.
i don't think i have been asleep for this hour all semester.
tonight has been rough...
and full of way too much thinking
which as of lately means tears.

last year at this time i had everything figured out.
i was getting excited to move to London.
i knew exactly what i was going to be doing for the next year... minus the change of plans from a little volcano accident.
i had a boy who kept me occupied
i still hated my classes but i was at least motivated to work hard in them
i was fat and happy.
now i am moving home for the winter
i have no idea what my future holds, which stresses me out
pretty much all of my friends are males... but they are just friends and i am lonely
i have no motivation to do anything, especially when it comes to school
and i am skinny, somber and constantly stressed.

what is my problem?
honestly, [vent session] the problem is my choice of people i surround myself with.
my guy friends are the most negative people i know and it is wearing on me heavily.
all i hear from them is a constant moan and groan of how much rexburg sucks, how their lives are just so terrible [news flash they aren't], how there are no girls here for them, how love doesn't exist [because they get their hearts broken by sluts], how girls do not have hearts... after all of these statements are said, i am always excluded from the grouping of women because i am "different". i can not take it anymore. i can not wait until a week from today when i will be able to spend all of my time with mama, papa, ky and ab. i need some positive uplifting people in my life before i explode or fall into a deep state of depression.
anyways... i have less than a week left of school which is helping me see the light at the end of this never ending tunnel of snow fulled darkness.

so to lighten the mood here is 25 random facts about me...
[stole this idea from my favorite Laura]

1. i do not have a uvula [dangle thing in the back of your throat]
2. i wear my rainbow flip flops year round, even in the snow
3. my favorite color is bright yellow but i only wear it in mustard shades
4. i am deathly afraid of clowns [no idea why, just am]
5. i will never go a day without smiling, ever!
6. the Pride and Prejudice soundtrack has been played over 412 times on my itunes, and that is not including my ipod
7. i hate going to movie theaters
8. i enjoy the smell of gasoline
9. when i was 5 i wanted to be an entomologist. i now cringe at the sight of any type of bug minus butterflies, still love them
10. i really really really want to be a mom, now! [don't worry i will wait until the time is right and i am happily married, even if i don't want to wait another second]
11. i am obsessed with shoes, particularly high heels, i own around 70 pairs, thank you Ross and TJmaxx
12. i can work pale skin like no other, not that i like it
13. i think there is nothing pleasurable about reading "for pleasure" but i am working on that
14. my walls in my room here at school have 42 frames covering them, but that is still not enough to hold all the faces that have my heart
15. my dream job is to be Cinderella at Disneyland... winter 2012 maybe?
16. i find mustaches sexy [weird i know]
17. i am one of the cleanest and most organized people you will ever meet, border line OCD
18. i think about London every day and miss it every second of every minute of every day
19. i regret quiting piano lessons when i was 10, should have listened to mom
20. i like the taste of cherry cough syrup
21. i haven't had a boyfriend for over two years and my last one who is married now is always at the gym at the same time as me... awkward!
22. i already have my wedding planned [just need the groom] but luckily i can blame that on my career choice
23. i can function perfectly on an hour of sleep... impressed? we'll see how long that lasts
24. snuggling is my all time favorite activity
25. i want a marriage that mirrors my parents, 26 [i believe] years and still in love

it is now almost 5 a.m.
thank goodness i don't have Friday classes and i get to sleep in as late as i want to.
[i feel much better]
goodnight.